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| 10:38pm 04/08/2004 |
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mood:  confused music: R.E.M. - Daysleeper
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I'm getting annoyed with not knowing what people are thinking and/or feeling. It's my own fault for not asking outright, and their fault for not telling me when I do. On that note, it is also my fault for not making sure of these pre-supposed feelings ahead of time; damn my impulsive nature. Somebody should poke out my eye and skull fuck me until I die for my insipid decisions. Damn it. Why can't emotions be simple? |
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| 01:45pm 22/07/2004 |
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mood:  chipper music: DMB - Where are you Going?
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Well...some interesting facts that you guys may want to know about:
- I'm changing my name back to Shane Elizabeth Homan.
- I have another half sister that I just found out about.
- I'm meeting my father and his family. |
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| 10:02am 21/07/2004 |
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mood:  lonely music: HIM - Gone with the Sin
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You know, I'm the one that innitiated the break, but I don't want things to be this way. I still want to be with Him. I don't want to be with anyone else. I mean, I might get little crushes on people, but nothing that I would ever really want to act on. I just want him. But he's such a god damn paranoid, controlling fuck sometimes that I can't stand it. I miss him. I don't know what to do. Meh. |
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| kifed from Nel |
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| 10:37pm 19/07/2004 |
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mood:  happy music: B*witched (At least LeighAnn understands...)
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1. Using band names, spell out your name.
Sublime
Hendrix
Adamant Eve
Nirvana
Enigma
2. Have you ever had a song written about you?
- Well that is debatable...I do believe so though, yes.
3. What song makes you cry?
- Lean on Me (but only when I think of JYFs singing it)
4. What song makes you happy?
- Ani DiFranco: Gravel
5. What do you like to listen to before bed?
- the Smashing Pumpkins or Counting Crows
A p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'7"
HAIR COLOR: red and black
SKIN COLOR: pale, though my arms and shoulders are tan...it is odd looking
PIERCINGS: ears, eyebrow, bellybutton
TATTOOS: not yet
R i g h t N o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: I'm not wearing any
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: DMB - Rhyme and Reason
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: cigarette
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: foggy and chilly
HOW ARE YOU?: bored
D o Y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: sometimes
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: smoking, drinking, procrastination...
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: on odd days
LIKE TO DRIVE?: depends on my mood, though I love driving at night with techno music on
F a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: I don't watch TV
CONDITIONER: the good smelling stuff that is for colored hair that is in my bathroom, which I don't happen to know the name of
MAGAZINE: Yoga or Dance Spirit
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: water
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: vodka
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: party
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: impossible to choose
H a v e Y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: I do believe we actually have a list of felonies somewhere that Molly compiled
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: once
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: uh huh
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: nope
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: surprisingly, no
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no, that's mean!
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: no
DITCHED SCHOOL BEFORE: just about every week
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: no
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: quite a few
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: oh yeah
L o v e
BOYFRIEND: no
GIRLFRIEND: no
SEXUALITY: bisexual
CURRENT CRUSH: a few people
BEEN IN LOVE?: yes
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: I think a year would count as a hard time, ne?
BEEN HURT?: who hasn't?
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: "I do not regret the things that i have done, but things that I did not do!" - Lucas ("I can categorically say that you are not a bigger banana head.")
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: hmm, yes
R a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: yeah, waitressing
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: the Ramones
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: blue-green
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Tolkien, at the moment
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: Mellie, Casey, Stitz, or Donelle
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: hmm, probably some Ani
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: um, yeah, that provokes too much thought and the list would be long and most likely inaccurate, so I'm just going to skip this one...
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: hang out with friends, write, draw, read, sleep, etc.
W h e n / W h a t W a s T h e L a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: a few minutes ago while reading Casey's (puppyferret's) journal
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: aside from school/college related things? a couple of months I supppose
YOU GOT E-MAIL: today
THING YOU PURCHASED: glasses
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED?: some sitcom on the WB
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: King Arthur
Y o u r T h o u g h t s O n
ABORTION: as long as it is carried out at a safe time and place, I think it is the mother's decision
TEENAGE SMOKING: IS BAD. Smoking in general is bad...
SPICE GIRLS: Girl Power!
DREAMS: I like having them |
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| 07:46pm 19/07/2004 |
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mood:  ecstatic music: Ani DiFranco - Gravel
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Yayayaya!!! Tim Kelsey just e-mailed me back, telling me that the meeting can support 175$ worth of my money needed for BYM! Not only that, but I'm getting the other half from BYM itself! I feel so fucking relieved! Now I won't have to hear about money problems and issues with the car insurance or any of that shit! Oh my gosh, you don't know how fucking happy I am!
Now I just need to figure out how to handle the whole scholarship thing... |
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| 03:44pm 19/07/2004 |
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mood:  content music: The Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop
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Mmm...I've finished my forms for BYM and taken care of that whole scholarship business. I'm going! It's final! In five days I will be wrapped up and that wonderful Quaker goodness! The workshops sound really interesting, though it's going to be hard for them to rival with last year's.
Reassurances, even not very well based ones, make me feel better. Liz says that I'll definitely get into Earlham if I apply. That would be awesome. Her story about the 900 SAT chick getting into Gilford makes me feel a little more rational at least...oh, gods, I don't want to worry about this shit. Ugh, need to work on more scholarships...
Work on Wednesday and Saturday; I wish he would stop changing my fucking schedule.
I need to change the strings on my guitar. Now, if I could only find the strings I bought a few weeks ago, that would help. |
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| 02:48pm 18/07/2004 |
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mood:  bored music: RATM - Settle for Nothing
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My uncle Scott gave me my mother's camera! It's so odd to pick it up and look through that lense, realizing that she did the exact same thing not so long ago (in the large view of things ,anyway.) Helps give some perspective on life, you know? It's a nice camera, a rather old Pentax with the most beautiful zoom lense I've ever owned. It's in fairly good condition and I can't wait to go about using it. I'll take it to BYM with me (which I've finally filled out the forms for. I have yet to send them in though, because my meeting still hasn't gotten back to me about a scholarship. Grr. I can't send in my forms without money! Does anyone know how late I can submit my things for BYM till? I really want to go but my meeting - like most Quaker organizations - is taking its time making a decision on me. Help!!!)
I want Liz to come home from Pendell Hill and John to come back from Germany. I miss my best friends. I wrote Liz a letter a couple of days ago, which I dropped off on my way to Ben's house; I hope it makes her feel better, if she's still feeling bad.
I do believe it is time for a smoke break. Someone give me a call, I'm bored and I want to jam. (Stitz have work tonight?) |
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| Memories of Bright Eyes |
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| 08:25pm 15/07/2004 |
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mood:  listless music: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
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"...bottles break, music plays, conversations competing for space, I look for a corner or a quieter room, there’s no heat in this house, I can’t breathe with these words in my mouth, but I’m not going to say them, yeah, I've made that mistake before..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'The picture is far too big to look at kid,
Your eyes won't open wide enough;
And you are constantly surrounded
By that swirling stream
Of what is and what was...
Well, we've all made our predictions
But the truth still isn't out...
...
Is it your fear of being buried
That makes you so afraid to speak?
An avalanche of opinions
Like the one that fell
That I am now underneath...
It was my voice
That moved the first rock
And I would do it all again,
So, I mean,
It's cool if you keep quiet...
but I like singing.'
And I feel so silly for posting this, because it's utter nonsense...however, it is my journal, which means that I can post what I want, including utter nonsense. Still, in order to shift myself out of responsibility, I blame the wine. |
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| 09:06pm 11/07/2004 |
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mood: sad music: The Earthtones
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| 05:33pm 03/07/2004 |
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mood:  pissed off music: Tori Amos - Under the Pink
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When I stopped talking I started noticing things. This was bad because:
a) There are some things that are better left unnoticed.
b) It made me think that people were stupid, which they are. Not that it gave me a higher sense of my self; in fact, it made me feel like an idiot, because I also noticed when people were actually sincere and intelligent.
c) I stopped being nonchalantly social. I didn't/don't like talking unless I've got something to say, otherwise I feel idiotic. I can't be cheerful and babble off like I used to, and not worry about it.
Oh, and fuck you. I can't stand you. Though I suppose that you don't have to worry about me anymore, cos I'm falling apart and falling out, so do whatever the hell you please.
I need a new scene.
I'm going to go smoke a bit of something or other and cry and throw my little fit, and then pass out afterwards. Lovely Saturday nights of the angsty teenager. |
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| 10:07pm 01/07/2004 |
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mood: depressed music: Ani DiFranco - Asking Too Much
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I’ve been an updating fiend lately. I guess that’s what happens when you have no drive to do anything but sleep, write, go to work, and get trashed. In any case, this might be a substantial entry (the long ones that Stitz hates to read), because I need to organize my thoughts.
I hate beautiful things. I hate them because I’m not like them. I hate them because I love them and they don’t love me. I hate them because nothing beautiful can ever really be captured, and right now I need a strong sense of control since I feel like I’m spiraling rapidly out of it.
“So is this better?”
“Better than what?”
“I don’t know; protests, clove cigarettes, bongos…whatever it is that you beatniks do.”
I took my guitar to work today. We had a fairly busy night, at least for a couple of hours. 40$ in tips, baby. The last hour or so was the best though, even though I didn’t get tips from anyone. We closed the grill early and I went outside with one of the people staying at the inn to have a smoke. We talked and I played guitar and we blew bubbles. Jake and Bill came out after a while too. It was just a nice way to end the evening. The sun was just setting, the air smelled like summer, and the fireflies were just coming out. I was so mellow and content; I can’t believe how drastically my mood changed when I came home. Damn it. At least Coreena is working tomorrow night.
Today we went on a picnic. I abhorred it. If I could have wiped out the people and kept the warm air and soft breeze, my guitar in my lap, and Angel sitting in the grass I would have been content. But people provoke too much thought and emotion. Had I been alone those thoughts and emotions would have been more organized, easier to understand, and at least constructive in way of a poem or two. I didn’t like being with them because they were there…but they didn’t matter. We didn’t talk, not about anything important, so I just came off as the angry, gossipy girl that I have been striking people as a lot lately. We didn’t do anything constructive. Nothing was accomplished. Perhaps I’m asking too much for wanting more. I can’t find my own words to describe the way I feel, so ( here ) |
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| 01:34pm 01/07/2004 |
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mood: angry music: Natalie Imbruglia - Butterflies
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Oh, just fuck off. |
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| 09:37pm 30/06/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Alright, I lied about our party being on the 9-10 of July; Liz is going to see a college and then running off to Pendel Hill. Plans will be made later-ish.
I don't know if I quite dig this being single thing. I don't remember how to do it. I don't know what I want. That's a lie; at the moment I just want someone to cuddle and fall asleep with and love, and not worry about any of it. That might change by tomorrow morning though. Meh. In any case, can someone just give me a nice, non-violent shove in the right direction?
Mmm, theoretical heresy against the American government I don't think I will ever be able to get over how amazing 1984 is.
My clock is still set on western time. |
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| 09:03pm 30/06/2004 |
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mood:  tired music: The Dead Kennedys - ?
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Wow, I'm dazed.
( quiz(s) ) |
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| 04:33pm 29/06/2004 |
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mood: morose music: R.E.M. - Nightswimming
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I find it amusing how curiosity of a person inevitably escalates to infatuation with me. I would be give examples but, uh, I already feel foolish enough.
Today was nice; I went to Liz’s and Sarah and Justin showed up at Liz’s house, asking if she wanted to do something. I tagged along, and felt a little awkward, being the third wheel and all. Her friends seem cool, but I to them I’m just ‘that girl that hangs out with Liz’, and therefore would feel stupid for trying to pursue a friendship with either one of them.
My hair needs washed.
I stopped by the shop this morning, helped carry out some furniture and utilities, and said I’d be back after I dropped my sister off for her appointment. I never did go back, because I was in SC…stupid, stupid me. |
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| I don't know what to do with myself... |
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| 05:15am 29/06/2004 |
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mood: depressed music: Counting Crows - Anna Begins
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The shop closing has had a larger impact on me than I thought it would. I mean, dag, I've been having dreams of memories and what could have been; tell me that isn't pathetic? That place was full of people whom I not only loved, but adored, though I never knew any of them as well as I'd wanted. There was always "later" for that, except now there isn't. I'm fairly sure that yesterday was the last actual day that they're open, but I have every intention of skulking around today to see if I'm wrong. This whole not being completely straight thing is starting to get on me...I need some closure, damn it, because I need to be sober. Especially because the parental units seem to be noticing for the first time. Eh, must go do responsible day-time things now.
My clock is set on west coast time, and refuses to change. As Toma pointed out, I no longer have a choice, I must move to California...or British Columbia. |
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| 07:02am 26/06/2004 |
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mood:  sick music: Ani DiFranco - Pale Purple
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You know, I don't think I believe that a positive romantic interaction could ever occur; it just isn't something that exists. Oh, the angst...god, I'm a fool.
And since I'm feeling lethargic and idiotic, I'm giving you a scant update in garbled English (Newspeak? Heh.): work-good; habits-not so good; friends-okay; social interactions-even more not so good.
People left for TA today?
Last night was the Java Jive's last night. Stayed there until about 2:30 a.m., simply watching the people and thinking over all of the things that have taken place there in the past three years. I met a girl, I forget her name, but she knew me through Bruce, Tim, and Erica...which is not good. I'm sure she has a beautiful picture of me in her head, one that I probably encouraged in my inarticulate, spacy, meloncholy state. The shop closing functioned exactly like the rest of my life at present: something that makes you happy being taken away, falling apart, leaving you feeling helpless, but everyone just gets high and pretends that it's all going to be all right.
Do you ever feel like you're living only for the sake of not dying?
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| par-tay |
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| 09:02am 23/06/2004 |
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mood: apathetic music: Aerosmith - Janie's Got a Gun
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I figure everyone who reads this journal is a friend of sorts, so this is just a sort of general invitation to those who want to show. Liz and I are having this nifty joint birthday type get together on July 9-10. We're going to camp out, play some music, just chill...and everyone should show up at some time during the night, because it would just make my day. If anyone actually is interested in coming leave me a comment and I might go into detail for you. |
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twiliteraine's journal